i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
