I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I will be naked everywhere
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
