Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
