fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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