So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
