You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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