I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
