dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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