FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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