I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
please come you make the beer taste better
home. puking in laundry basket.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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