My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can I color on your dick again?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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