Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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