My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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