she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
