Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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