Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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