Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
