I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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