If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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