I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
