I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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