i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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