I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
