Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
