you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
