1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
smell my finger.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
