so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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