so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
