I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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