What a fucking waste of an outfit
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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