I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
