Michael Bay diarrhea
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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