Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
