My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
