Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.