My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
