the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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