guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
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IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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