so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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