drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
