I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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