i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I could fuck to npr.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
