I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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