If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
