she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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