sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
