We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
