my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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