How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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