My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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