Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS