Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
