I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
