he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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