If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
