I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
